I have something i need to share, and that is my unpolished soul voice. I need to share it in my writing, singing, and speaking. I just need to share it. It's a selfish need and it's also a generous need. I want to serve the good in others by sharing my soul voice but also sometimes, i just need to be seen in my imperfect Truth. The need to relax and share openly is strong within me. I have been distilling down to the most authentic version of my voice for years. I have a long way to go, I still have pride and fear to tear down but i am doing my best to share myself honestly.
Perfectionism is tied to our ego minds. We think we need to be perfect to be loved and seen or to prevent from being criticized and/or have our talents or authority questioned. But the Truth is we don't get true love by being perfect and we may be seen because of our "perfection" in some cases, but never seen fully. We will still get criticized and challenged even if we are "perfect" and there is always some asshole lurking ready to judge you and tear you down no matter how perfect or imperfect your present yourself. And of course "perfection" is subjective anyway.
I'm slowly resisting the urge to be polished now. I love "polished" but being polished is not always practical or something i'm great at. I think the draw towards polished is part of the draw towards perfection. For me, it is anyway. Some are more cut out to be polished and some are not. I want to be transparent, honest, and raw. That is not always a polished expression with me. I want to be accepting of myself and that means not expecting things i do or how i look to always be "polished".
The need to share my voice has got so strong now that i must be willing to share it without it being polished. I do want to become a more proficient musician, speaker, and writer, but i also want to have the courage to share my voice right now as it is, in all its beauty and short comings.
This fear of being seen unpolished has kept me from doing things many times. I have made great strides in not letting fear rule me but it is still an ongoing struggle. I know i won't let it hold me back though. I want to create a new pathway where i can sing and create freely and joyfully, without the heaviness of fear on me.
When it comes to singing i have been so critical of my voice, that the loudness of my own inner critic made it hard to even hear my own soul voice amidst it, and then i never share my voice at all. I really want to let that go now.
I know i'm not the best singer or the most proficient one but i am a singer and i sing, and i have my whole life. I have only sung for myself but the need to share my voice has got stronger and stronger. That is a huge part of my soul expression, and one of my deepest creative passions. What if i could inspire or comfort someone by my voice or soul expression? I might not, but then again i might. Music is healing. And i don't know if my voice could ever heal others, but if it could, it would make sharing my voice worth all the fear i had to work through to share it.
I don't want to put myself out there to be humiliated but i also want to sing freely and just be. It hurts me to not have permission to do it. I know that permission is mine to give. Maybe i will find my right path by just sharing it. Maybe that will help me to get more proficient in time. I had a pivotal moment in my life when i spoke in front of a crowd of people at my first book signing. That is where i realized that sharing my voice, though petrified and unpolished, was the first step in healing and empowering my voice. So maybe, hopefully, that will be the case as i share my singing voice too.
Sometimes you have to give up the need to be "ready" before you do something. Some people get better through the process, not before. But you have to learn to let go of the ego's need to control and you have to be willing to take a risk on yourself on behalf of your passion, and just maybe your possible gifts will show through, despite not being polished.
Maybe i was never meant to be a polished artist in any way, maybe i am just meant to feel and create in an abstract, unfiltered, unpolished manner. Or maybe that is just where i am at right now. Either way, i am compelled to allow myself to be free in my expression now. Time is passing quickly and i don't want to keep my soul voice in captivity or only half-expressed my whole life. I think sharing it might strengthen it.
I just want to share my voice freely, the pretty parts and ugly parts and still be received. It won't be the most polished at first but it will be mine and my love and my soul will be weaved throughout it. I hope it will be felt. So Cheers to my new path of more outspoken expression. I hope you join me in distilling your authentic soul voice and sharing it in your own way too.
So i'm starting here.... Below is a video of me reading a non-song song I wrote. To be clear, non-song songs are the title I have given to what I create when I sit down at my piano and just play and sing anything that comes to mind. It lacks the structure and fluidity of a composed song. It is a way I use music to commune with my soul. I often write what comes up in the non-song song as lyrics or a poem. This one I called fittingly "Not Polished" to be shared with my blog post "Not Polished". I'm just reading it in front of the video, but that alone was super hard for me to do. So i'm going to call this phase 1 of not polished voice expression. I'll make it more official and call it #Notpolished hahaOh and yes this was recorded close to the Fourth of July. That is why there is fireworks going off in the background. ;) Sorry for the crappy quality video.