I was singing tonight and i hadn't done that for awhile. I felt like i needed to remember MY VOICE. I felt very strange lately like i didn't recognize me. I know who "we are" is a mixture of recognizing who we are by hearing our inner self and also purely by choice of who we want to be/become. I have not felt clear about either of those things. I do know that LOVE or what i feel it and know it to be, is what grounds me into who i am. I am an imperfect human but i know Love strengthens me. I know what is the strongest force and that it resides in me when i am being an expression of LOVE. It reminds me of the most tender and powerful part of life. I feel pure Truth is found there. Though i know i am very loving and compassionate, i don't always live up to my potential as BEING LOVE . I often feel like i'm on the verge of being this beautiful expression of love, sensuality, femininity, and success, but not fully getting there, like i'm just one step behind. And lately, it's been much more than 1 step behind.
I wonder if my feelings of having the capacity of being that beautiful expression of Love is the delusion or if me not being that is the delusion or maybe it's my choice of which one i let define me? I have been resisting these feelings of questioning my value, my beauty, my worth as a woman, person, or how "needed" i am. But i am surrendering to them now.
I admit this is where my head has been. Not because i want it to be there, or that i believe these thoughts. But they weigh on my mind sometimes, especially when i resist looking at them straight in the "face".
This is nothing new, i often dance with insecurity and also with deep inner confidence at the same time. I know i have an unwavering dignity within, and that is the space i call LOVE, the pure part, the non-human part of me. I woke up to that, i received that, i let myself learn about that, i cultivated that space. I am blessed to tap into that. I accept myself most of the time but i am hungry to improve and be my best self always.
I won't let the ego demons have me. I let them have their say and i would be lying if i didn't say that i don't struggle with this dichotomy within, but i am also very passionate on behalf of LOVE.
On one hand i am very determined and ambitious. I am very competitive... competitive with my own "demons" really..... in the way that i will go to great lengths to prove to myself i can do something or i am what my heart says i am, and not my insecurities, fears, or limited thinking chatter in my head. But on the other hand, i can be quite cynical and unsure of myself. I am a good listener but sometimes i'm too good, it allows me to pick up things that do not serve me. Like illusions that the world tell me i am or i'm not and i let those toxins cloud my heartfelt clarity.
I am determined to help others wake up from their illusions too. I want you to laugh at your demons. I want you to respect them but to respect your Truth even more by letting the demons go. They don't have to lead your life. They can help you learn more about your Truth, Strength, and life path, but they don't have to hold any keys to your fate.
I think everyone is in their own state of hypnotic delusion personally and systematically, and it's a good idea to choose a "delusion" that is led by mindful love. It's more effective and fulfilling for yourself and others. Find others who will support you and be with you in your sacred "delusion", your sacred Truth.
So as i let myself sing whatever came up tonight I heard the message to forget "finding myself" and just focus on finding others to give to, and give love to them. I was reminded that in that space i will recognize my own voice again soon.
I have been putting too much pressure on myself to see results. I started forgetting my "bottom line". No not profit. ;) My bottom line is something that is strong but tender, sweet, warm, firm, honest, accepting, generous, it is something pure, but intense, it's true, it's a choice, it's passionate, sensual and it is content and grateful. It's something that requires being here now and it is everlasting and the only thing we ever really have.... everlasting....shared Love... in the present moment, the only moment we have. <3